My hands are covered in blood and it won`t come off.

A journal entry by a NATO soldier in Afghanistan*

Everything about this place is dark; the trenches, the bunks, the sounds of landmines going off in far off locations. It’s like living inside walls. Walls that expand as you grow but never collapse into debris, they give you space to run around in circles but they refute when you rebel and demand space to run in an endless straight line.  I fucking hate these walls, every time I open my eyes, every minute that I am awake these walls talk to me and they mock me. Everyday, a tiny part inside me bows down to their superiority and with every dawn comes the gradual acceptance of the fact that soon my entire presence would be inhaling the soft soil, feeling every single particle cutting in to my skin. I would be bowing down to the walls, unconditionally.

It’s been three months since I first set foot on the blood drenched land of Afghanistan, the land of the dunes and the caves, where ruthless murder is motivated by the ‘love of God’. God created blood in our veins so it can soak the soil. God created our bodies so that they can be blown apart. Afghanistan makes God seem like a farce. Bullshit.

Now that I think of it, the decision to be a part of the Afghan war never got a chance for second thoughts. I remember that sunny spring morning when the idea first sprouted in my mind. ‘I have to be a part of it’ that was all I could think of.


Uncle Carter, his life already had such impact on me but what surprises me is that his death left a larger impact than every moment of his life combined. James Carter, I wish I could ask the forces of fate and luck why they did what they did to him. Why was he deployed to Afghanistan when he was least expecting it. Why didn`t he go hide somewhere?  He had everything life could offer and yet he decided to leave it behind. He broke free from the chains of life to embrace demise and the final glance of his face assured me that he didn't hide even the slightest trace of regret inside him as he left us behind. The serenity on his face as he rested in his coffin. Could he hear his wife crying? I am sure he could but I guess he knew time would take care of her. I guess he just knew everything.

The truth is I never knew that death could bring such serenity with it, serenity that I believe that life on Earth is devoid of. Maybe that is why I had no doubts when I registered myself for Military training camp a week after the Uncle Carter’s funeral.


Thinking back, I realize that back home; I had nothing to hold on to anyway. Life back home was always this chase. It was like running after something, moved out of my house at 18, mom died because of cancer when I was 21 and dad decided to move into the retirement homes.


And Jack, did his existence ever matter anyway? He was always busy with his life. Everything had to be about him. Did he ever ask me how I was doing at school? NO! Did he ever ask me why I made a decision to leave? NO! He never asked because it had nothing to do with him. Had we not shared the same blood, he would have killed me and never cared. But then again I wonder if it`s the same even when we do share the same blood. 


But there was one thing, this one being that was worth holding onto in my life: Alyssa, the women I loved. For five long years we had held each other`s hands and everything in our life was planned, marriage, babies. I don`t believe I left her behind to pursue war in this land! This God damned land! Getting married to her was the only thing I asked from my life, the only thing I wanted but I don`t believe I made a compormise, I don`t believe I was ready to WAIT! The war was on my mind, the picture of my uncle’s dead face kept appearing in my dreams over and over. I wish these pages I write on could speak to me and tell me if I had a choice, if I did the right thing. Back then, I just knew I had to leave; it wasn’t something I had the power to decide, it was already written by fate. Fate wanted me to go even though I was not sure if I could let go of her, I did. God, I am such a fucking mess!

And then there`s the letter I recieved last week. It was from from Alyssa. It came enclosed with a wedding invitation. She had decided to marry Ted, my best friend. I don’t blame her, because unlike me she has a right to live.

‘Matt I will love you always, but the pain of the wait is what kills me inside. I want to be able to live again Matt. It’s not enough to know that you are alive somewhere in this forsaken universe. It’s not enough to hear your voice; I want to feel your presence. I want to feel the touch of your skin against mine. I don’t want our children to suffer like I do, every day. Matt, I am getting married. I know you will be happy for me’

I guess I am happy for her. I can’t possibly think of anyone better than Ted I could have left Alyssa with.  Ted is going to love her, love her in a way I could never have. The decision to marry Alyssa was not Ted’s. It was Alyssa’s; she had made the decision to move on and I want to stand beside her. I want to support her in every way possible. I guess, that’s the least I could do.

When I told Alyssa about my decision to leave four months back, I remember how she didn’t break in to anger. She didn’t cry or smile.  I remember, that every word that came out of my mouth sucked the color out of her face, till finally I stopped talking and I realized that she was pale. Like a ghost. The battles in her must have been enough to blow her body apart to pieces, but her face was blank.

‘Why do you want to leave me Matt’ I remember how her eyes looked right into mine. I could see the twinkle in them. Her lips were quivering but she was holding back her tears. I could see her swallowing, trying to keep it all in.

I tried to explain, let the the air be a witness that I did. I told her that I just had this feeling that I had to do this. A feeling that was beyond anything she could understand. And when I touched her face, I remember how it felt like ice. Like her sould had been sucked out of her.

She didn’t say another word though; she just leaned in and softly kissed my lips. A kiss so tender and consuming I don`t believe I mustered the courage to pull back.  It hurt so much, every thing hurt; the gentleness of her figure against mine, her embrace, her hands on my back. It hurt more than the bullets that I have taken in the past three months. Alyssa was a dream; she was the subtle summer.  Letting her go, was my decision. I don’t regret it; maybe that decision was a step leading towards destiny.  Maybe my decision was important for events to turn out the way they were meant to.  Maybe, I was the force sent by nature, two bring Ted and Alyssa together. Yes, I am the force; just a fucking force.

In the last three months, I have learned to live with myself. Solitude is the excruciating pain I have grown accustomed to. I fire guns, I rob people of their lives, I see people being robbed of their lives. I play with lives.

I am that sorry little Matt Carter, a fucking force trapped inside walls that mock. A man whose hands are covered in blood that won`t come off.

The journal entry is completely fictional, any resemblance with an actual person or event is probably co-incidental.